Sunday, July 5, 2009

We Live in a Diverse World

I work at a coffee shop. We serve coffee that is organic, fair trade, shade-grown, vegan, shipped in hemp sacks, transported aboard bio-diesel airplanes, and hand-roasted by inner-city minority youths who are given liberal arts scholarships and are taught yoga. The coffee also supports same-sex marriage, drives a Prius, and donates to NPR. But, surprisingly, it is pro-life. It is complex coffee that resists being pigeonholed.

So that our customers know exactly what they're drinking, we proudly display labels that inform them where the coffee came from and what some of its defining characteristics are. However, some of these labels sound like they're attempting to sum up entire nationalities. Here is an example:

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This poses an interesting conundrum since "soft" and "enticing" are adjectives not typically associated with Mexicans. Perhaps a more accurate label would read "wily and prone to dance", or "strong and skilled with a blade".

Some of the labels are a bit more precise. Take a look at this one:

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It comes as no surprise that Guatemalans are described as "elegantly balanced" since, due to the mountainous terrain of their home country, a clumsy Guatemalan would not last very long. Also, their rich tradition of dance is nothing short of elegant.

Some of the labels are a tad ambiguous, and thus don't really say much:

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Perhaps I could apply a bit of my personal experience to this one. If this Italian Roast coffee shares the "southern Italian tradition" of the Sicilian side of my family, it could be described as "loud and angry" or "distrusting of blacks" or "unwilling to forgive my father for marrying a Jew".

After hours upon hours of gazing ponderously at these coffee labels, I realized that perhaps the world would be easier to comprehend if all types of people were described as succinctly as these labels describe our beans. Here are some examples I came up with:

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Weird...

"Hello, I am a cock n' balls with teeth"
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"Just kidding. I'm actually a mole rat. But you totally thought I was a cock n' balls with teeth, didn't you? Seeing as I'm the most hideous creature on the planet, the only thing I have to fall back on is my sense of humor."

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"Here's what it looks like when I'm nursing my young. Or, if you are attracted to hairless, flaccid wieners, you can pretend that this photo depicts a bunch of tiny penises attacking a much larger penis, perhaps in an attempt to steal its virility. Whatever gets you through the night."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

History in the Making

The number of hits that 413some has received spells out the year that World War II ended.
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Suck it, Japan!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Things like this remind me why I hate America
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And things like this remind me why I love America
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Monday, June 22, 2009

Totally Free Berkshires

At about 11 AM today I was half-aware of the television blathering on in the background as I completed my morning routine of checking my email while gently weeping. My attention was grabbed, however, when a commercial named-dropped the Berkshires. It was an advertisement for an anti-drug website called TotallyFreeBerkshires.org, a site that is apparently endorsed by an ethnically diverse band of oddly dressed children. As always seems to happen when the place where I live is mentioned on the television, I ejaculated heartily. But after changing my pants I actually visited the website. I was greeted with strange sights and curious individuals, as well as condescending messages promoting a drug and alcohol free life. Here are some samples of the things I saw and the people I met.

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Look at these smooth operators, Their facial hair says "I don't take orders from anyone!", their accessories scream "I think this photo shoot's stylist is high", and their angsty squints give off a fleeting hint of "I hope that stylist has more weed".

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This is X-Box. He killed a guy. Part of his work release program involves community service, thus his appearance in this "totally 'hood" picture. Don't believe what the website says. X-Box totally does drugs.

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Totally girlfriend? More like totally badass! This girl doesn't take shit from NO ONE! And she doesn't do drugs either. Maybe that's because she fucking 8 years old. Check back in 2018 and give her a urine test. Then we'll see.

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"Hey guyz, I'm Trent, and I do whatever I want! Whether it's cultivating an awesome beard, fucking staring at the camera like a sexy panther, or appearing on a website next to the phrase "totally tat", I'm always doing stuff that my parents hate. Where did that stylist lady with the weed go?"

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This rebellious lad enjoys being a vegan, working Saturdays at Hot Topic, and not yet realizing that he is a homosexual. He doesn't care about anything, especially about drugs, because drugs are for people who buy into the establishment. If he could see a glimpse of what he will be like in 10 years, he would cry. He would also probably do drugs.

So, aside from featuring photos of a bunch of super cool kids, what else does this website do?

Totally Free Berkshries also features a blog, and accepts submissions from the site's members. In order to take part in this blog I sent an email, as the website directed, to plands@berkshireunitedway.com. But I didn't want this email to give away my identity, so I decided to create a brand new email address. Since Drug.Free@gmail.com and I.Do.Not.Do.Drugs@gmail.com were already taken, I had to settle for I.Really.Enjoy.Cocaine@gmail.com. Using this address, I sent Totally Free Berkshires the following email:

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I will keep you updated as I contribute pearls of drug-free wisdom to the Totally Free Berkshires blog.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Some People Are Fucking Retarded

This buffoonish lass is named Kimberley Vlaeminck.

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She is filing a lawsuit against tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz. Vlaeminck claims that she asked Rousian to tattoo three small stars next to her eyelid, but that she dozed off during the procedure and awoke to find 56 stars adorning her cheek. She claims that the artist didn't speak very good English or French (two languages that she, a Belgian, speaks fluently), and that he totally misunderstood her request.

This is artist Rouslan Toumaniantz, who swears that Vlaeminck clearly asked for the 56 stars, and that she was wide awake and even looking in a mirror throughout the course of the procedure.

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Sadly for Vlaeminck, even a £10,000 court victory won't un-ruin her face.

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I like the fact that the “sexy” logo on her belt seems to be slowly sneaking away, having realized that it no longer applies to the body to which it’s strapped. In order to get to the bottom of this story, I have sent a Facebook friend request to the tattooed Belgian. I will keep you updated as this pursuit develops.

UPDATE!!!
While Kimberley has yet to approve my Facebook friend request, she did admit to the media that she was lying the whole fucking time! Here's a headline that appeared on MailOnline today:
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She went on to admit that she was indeed awake during the procedure and was quite happy with her tattoo until her father saw it and flew into a rage. What her father clearly failed to realize is that his daughter's face can now be used to help navigate on the open sea. I will make sure to bring this to her attention as soon as she accepts my friend request. Just click "approve", Kimberley. You've already got 56 stars on your face, so you might as well have one internet star on your friend list.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

An Inquiry into Notable Historical Figures: David Carradine

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Perhaps best known to older audiences for his work in the seminal martial arts television series Kung Fu and to younger audiences for his portrayal of the titular character in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill films, David Carradine totally died last week while whacking off in a hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. BANG-KOK! You can't make this shit up.

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After a decades-long, illustrious career of acting in acclaimed projects that appeared on both the small and large screen, and staging a recent comeback as a seemingly enlightened ninja possessing the suaveness of Clint Eastwood in his prime, David Carradine saw fit to choke himself out with a shoelace while beating his junk like Uma Thurman beat that black chick in the kitchen scene at the beginning of Kill Bill.

Way to go, A-hole!